Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I've Been Hosed.

***
Big Pupi has ISSUES.

When the clock strikes 4:30 PM my brother and I begin begging for our 5:15 feasting. We are never late, nope. Not ever. It drives mom crazy!! We stare at her, silently screaming through body language. Every time she looks up at us, I lick my lips and step gingerly from the right paw to the left. This is a polite way of saying: FEED ME YOU USELESS HUMAN!!!!
This goes on for the better part of an hour, and will not end until we are fed. Staring makes humans feel all squirmy and uncomfortable. It's pretty awesome!

A few nights ago, during my begging, my mom noticed that I was the one looking uncomfortable for a change. I tried to hold my gaze but kept feeling the need to tend to my manliness. As a beast which normally has laser focus, this was a tip off that something was indeed very wrong, and it didn't take long for my mom to realize that I once again suffered from a case of Angry Weebelitis. Again!! Why??!!
I immediately fell into a depression. I knew where this was heading - straight to the Place of Tile and Steel where I will be poked in the most inappropriate of places and handled in the most inappropriate of ways. DANG WEEBLE! Why must he spend the entire summer giving me grief?!

Mom and my vet were concerned about putting me on another dose of oral or injected antibiotics since this problem seems to continue throughout all of the warm weather months. That makes for a LOT of medication and a majorly increased risk of breeding some sort of super bacteria in my manliness. This sounds rather unpleasant, and I happen to be a big fan of my weeble. I don't want to harm him.

So the vet gave my mom some tools to bring home. I got all excited, thinking for sure that Dr. lady had set my mom up with some super awesome stuffy tools for my construction endeavors, but NO. What she got was this:
Sure, it's seriously better than the torture element she was given last year, but c'mon. Is this a stinkin' JOKE? I don't come up with these sorts of things and use them on people? What the heck is wrong with you humans?!

Unlike last summer's dentist's-looking monster device (which would inspire me to get outright violent with mom [a first], and which was never again attempted after I made my thoughts on it clear), this new device hooks into a soft rubber tube with holes at the end.

The evil contraption gets shoved a few inches into my manliness! THE HORROR! Then the medicine gets flushed through and when it's all done I get to feast on some serious cheese. Actually... I have to be honest with you... it's not so bad, especially compared to its predecessor. As long as my medicine is warm I'll stand there Like Good Boy for the few seconds until it's over with, and so far it hasn't made my weeble fall off. I know this for certain because I spend much time checking on such important matters.
I haven't had one single hint of Angry Weebelitis since this process began. I guess this is a good thing. E. coli of the wee was never all that enjoyable.

Once it is all said and done I feel the need to protect my manliness, and so I sleep with my legs in crossed protection positioning. That stinkin' hose can't get in here!
While all this torture and cruelty is happening to me, Stanislaw is being all Lounge Boyish in his man cave and mocking me for my weeble disorder. Whatever. He's got a bad case of noodlebutt and he knows it.
After a traumatic event my singing stuffy elf always makes me feel better, and so I thrash the heck out of him and force him to sing "Jingle Bells" about 3,543 times over and over and over again. I do this just to make my mom go insane and to remind her that even though she's got that hose thing, I've got the power in this place.
Oh, and don't think this whole event is going to deter me from staring you down for my dinner, dearest mother. Heck no. In fact, I'm thinking of pushing my start time up to 4:15, so I can get a FULL HOUR of slightly unnerving staring in every single day. Yeah, that's right. For as long as that hose is in the picture there will be staring contests and singing stuffies. Deal with it.

From a disgruntled dog with a happy weeble,
Big Pupi

14 comments:

Niamh said...

Big Pupi,

We are shocked at the violation of your manliness! Ambrose is sitting with his legs crossed in sympathy. We are glad to hear that the treatment is being effective. Keep annoying your mom with your Christmas toy. Hope you and Stan are enjoying the summer.

Your friends,
Niamh

Mango said...

That contraption! Oh the horror! Your poor little weeble. I shudder. You are so stoic to allow for the flushing. Most undignified.

I expect that you should now have your supper whenever you want it. No more waiting. Sheesh. Guy has to have some fun, right?

Slobbers,
Mango

P.S. I start banging my tail on the floor around 4PM. BANG BANG BANG. Sure to drive the humans bonkers.

Lorenza said...

Big Pupi!
As soon as I read about that torture device... I felt pain!
Glad to know is helping you.
Take care
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I keep her guessing as to what time I start my yap and prance!

It khould be 4pm - 415pm - 430pm - 445pm - BUT I do let her know it is TIME!

As fur the khontraption, that sooooo makes woo a hosehead!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
PeeEssWoo: I hope woo are feeling better!

Laila said...

Hi Big Pupi,

I haven't seen my mom laugh out loud like that in months. I love your blog!

I've had "lady" weebelitis a bunch of times, but my V-E-T has never sent my mom home with a weird contraption before. Definitely shake your stuffy elf to keep your mom away! That thing was scary! Hope you keep feeling on the mend.

Kisses,
Laila

Maggie and Mitch said...

We are so glad the tube thingie is working but OMG, Big Pupi! You poor thing!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

bggrogan said...

OMG, Big Pupi! What people won't do to torture us poor manlibeasts! Maybe our Mom isn't so mean when she just ignores us no matter how hard we stare at her when it is our feasting time.
Dude...we are all crossing our legs for you and right now there are 5 manliness beats and 1 pretty fierce lady beast at our house. Mom's hoping that 4 find new homes quickly because 12 eyes staring at her gives her the creeps. (which is why we do it)
Good luck buddy! Hope your manilness is better in no time!

Kisses,
Murphy, Lucy, Sebastian, Nicholas, Wilson, & Burton

Dennis the Vizsla said...

hello big pupi its dennis the vizsla dog hay i -- aaaaaiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!! no no no no no!!!!! run away!!!!!!! ok bye

C.l.o.v.e.r. said...

Hi Big Pupi!
Sorry to hear about your weeble problem. But glad that it seems to be under control now. I love love that first picture of you two. We do that too!! Except Chewy also scratches the cupboard door, and I make sure to spin in circles a lot. Try those things in combination with the staring... humans find it SOO annoying!
xo

Remington said...

Hi Remington here! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Nice to meet you! I am going to follow you....no, not around the house just in blog land and see what you are up to everyday! Your Dr. is mean! Really! That was just MEAN! I hope you are okay.... I will talk to the fairies in my garden and see what they can do about your Elf. I am not certain if an Elf is a fairy....I may have to go to the Gnome Village across the way and consult with them....I'll see what I can do....

Asta said...

Big Pupi

that's teling hew..wow that is a scaiwy looking contwaption..i think I'm glad i'm a giwl and don't have a weeble . I'm awfully glad to heaw that it's not as bad as it looks and that you get tweats galowe aftew each tweatment..but what is"noodlebutt"? sounds gulp scawiwy too.

I was so happy to see you visiting me again, but i hope next time i come, no one is getting sickies anymowe
smoochie kisses
ASTA

The Thuglets said...

Big Pupi..we thought we would drop by and introduc eourselves and see what you get up to!

OMD that contraption thingie (brought tears to the eyes of the boys) you are so brave. We are so pleased its helping mend you.

We'll be back again soon.

Big Nose Pokes
The Thuglets

Mack said...

Your poor weebler!
Glad to hear it is all better now.

-Mack

tadpole said...

Oh DEAR, Big Pupi!!! That's awful and terrible and I can't believe you let your mom do that to you!

Regarding the dinner-stare, Fig and I have used that to successfully push our dinner time up from 4.30 to 3.00 sometimes!!! So keep it up.