Saturday, February 6, 2010

I Can't Believe My Feast-Finding Peepers

Big Pupi writes in fear:

To my absolute horror I have discovered that my mom's torturous reach has extended far beyond my hallowed home. For this, my fellow canines, I am sorry.

Many of you may remember my brother and me being subjected to such cruelty... an act that many humans would call "getting toasty" or "bundling up." I grow furs for these purposes and do not need my manliness compromised by the crushing nerdification and undignified "doggy sweater." And to add insult to fuzzy cotton/blend knittings, my mom sells said devices-of-horror in her Etsy shop. It would seem that her reach is far greater than I ever anticipated.

Sure, it gets cold where I live. So cold, in fact, that if my danglies hadn't been cut off they'd have frozen off about 2 years ago. But when donning such cozy duds I must turn my face away from my friends, lest they recognize me and commence mocking. Could you even imagine if they caught me in this?

or (GASP!) this??Okay, okay... so that skull one is a little bit more bad@ss and more befitting of a beast of my proportions. But how do you think Stanislaw feels being forced to step out in public in this??Can you just FEEL the desperation on our faces? The sadness? The WARM AND SNUGLY HUMILIATION??

Brace your beastly selves. It only gets worse.

Mom has attacked one of my nakedest and shriekingly beastly friends.
Photo courtesy of Tadpole's Life Pond

Oh my dearest Tadpole. See how he cringes? Watch as he is forced into a zen-like state of meditations just to keep himself from totally panicking and heading for the snow-covered hills.
Photo courtesy of Tadpole's Life Pond

And take note of the concern on his sister's face. She can't bring herself to say it, but I know that Fig is contemplating this sudden and shocking lack of raging beast that was once the great and masculine Tadpole.
Photo courtesy of Tadpole's Life Pond

Oh Taddy I feel your pain. In fact, I think I shall call you T-Pain from now on. Perhaps a career in rapping will restore your street cred. Just don't do it in that sweater.

I just can't believe this...

Big Pupi

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Raw Food Diet, Day ? (We're seriously off track)

So, at some point our counting went completely bananas because January 30th was our 2-year anniversary of feasting on raw meatables. Seriously... get with the program MOM!! Even I can add better than you. Check it:

1 goat
+ 2 rabbits
+ 7 oz. green tripe
+ 1.5 chickens cut into quarters
1 majorly delicious feast fit for a Stanislaw

See? My IQ is 234,003. My friend at the bark park has his PhD and he gave me the test, so I KNOW that number is correct. Don't even try to argue, mom. Your IQ is 7. My friend told me that too.

Anyways, we're sorry for being so absent lately. My humans are so busy with work and school and making sure there's cheese money for my feasts that there just hasn't been much time. But don't fret, I am still a spoiled beast and have been kept in fleece blankies and tasty chewies. I'm really good at not letting stress get to me...

...unless mom appears with the buzzy beard-stealing machine. In the cruelest of cruel acts she removed my manliness. I mean, C'MON!! She said something about "stink" and "matts" and I assured her that I don't give a flying poople about those things if it means I have to end up looking like this:Horrors! Do you see the crazy frowny face I've got going on? But I do enjoy giving my bro a hard time about his shaved dorkiness. I can't even believe that one dog could possess such a high degree of dork!

I mean, my bro is so nerdy he's all about being Good Boy. He even passed his 2010 therapy dog certification test with 152 out of 150 points. Yes, you read that right. He knows so many tricks that he got 2 extra points for it. And mom didn't even have time to study with him! He just did it all and was all about feasting on cheesy bits. I don't get it. To top it off, he was welcomed into a second therapy program that has a 1.5 year waiting list... and he got right in. WHAT GIVES? I'm a fun dude and like to play with kids. You just jump all over them and lick their faces, right? I CAN DO THAT!!! I'm really GOOD at that!!!

We haven't been totally out of the loop and with much excitement we threw our hats into the ring for our first year of Mango Minster. It's totally awesome. I'm in for the Sporty category because that's where the beasts belong and Big Pupi is up for Working because that's where the dorky Good Boy dogs go. WHATEVER! Please vote for us! We're in for some major competition with the other canines in our groups.

'Tis all for now, my beastly friends. Stay toasty, which I would do if mom didn't take all my manly furs. It's time for a dude-like prancing in protest.