Raw Food Diet, Day 214- The Joke's on Me

Late Thursday Big Pupi and I were brainstorming ways to prevent my humans from attending this wedding and leaving us at camp.  Don't get me wrong... I usually love camp, but I like my cushy home life a little bit more.  We devised a fail-proof plan and decided to start coughing.  Then I took it up a notch and puked all over my humans' bed.  I made sure to soak the comforter, sheets, dust ruffle (napkin) and carpet.  Then I had diarrhea all over the living room.  Big Pupi followed suit and the next morning he hurled up his breakfast all over the sofa, which didn't have its slip cover on because I had beat him to it and coughed up stuff all over it.  Before we knew it, mom was asking for credits on her flight and she cancelled our camp reservation.  Awesome!  It worked!  Pupi and I were thrilled with our victory and were quite convinced that we were geniuses.

Until mom called the vet.  

We were there in a flash - escorted into a room through a side door that prevented us from playing with other patients.  What?!  There was poking, prodding, squeezing at my throat and gagging.  Pupi got IV fluids that turned his shoulders into a massive jiggly lump of grossness.  And to add insult to injury, the doctor shoved a thermometer into my bum!!!  When it was his turn, Big Pupi shrieked like his legs were being torn off and had to be restrained.  This was awful!  Terrible!  Our plan had seriously backfired.

We were sent home with a bunch of green bottles filled with cough suppressants and other stinky things.  AND to make matters worse, the vet said that we no longer needed to gain weight and that mom had to cut out meals back.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Pupi and I will be deprived one ounce of meat every day!  Since we're no longer on an active weight-gain feasting plan, there will be fewer treats and no snacks.  This is ridiculous.  How am I supposed to live??  I'm now a 23.65-pound beast and I need my feasts!

At least I'll have my friends to comfort me, right?  WRONG!  I'm not allowed to play with anyone but my stinky brother for a solid week after my symptoms have gone.  Well, once I heard that I got on the healing path right away.  Today Pupi and I haven't coughed once, there's been no upset tummies whatsoever, and we're acting like our usual energetic selves.  So there!  After only 24 hours of symptoms the countdown to partying with puppies begins.  

The vet said we have something called "Bordatella," and despite the fact that we were just vaccinated for it in June there's a strain going around Chicago that the vaccine doesn't cover.  Almost every dog that's exposed will catch it.  She told mom to plan on hearing us cough for the next 2-3 weeks, and that we'll need our cough suppressant to sleep through the night.  Imagine mom's shock when we never needed to take one dose of it!  But seriously folks... I know that she appreciates us making her stay home without dad (it's his cousin's wedding so he has to go) on the one holiday weekend she's had all summer, so that she can tend to two seemingly healthy dogs.  Wahoo!  We are such good boys.  

But as for this feast decrease scenario... What did I get myself into?  Man.  That was a mistake.  A big, big mistake.

I'm paying the price,

Stanislaw

Raw Food Diet, Day 213- My Life as an Athlete

Lots of dogs have been asking me about my Olympic marathon training program.  While the program itself is too detailed to list here (let's face it - my attention span is about 2 seconds long), I will hit upon the most integral parts of becoming a famous athlete.

Beauty rest is of utmost importance.  There will be puparazzi, so you must look your best.  C'mon now... do you think that Feasting Champion of the World Michael Phelps got so famous on his butterfly stroke alone?  Being a ridiculously good-looking beast is only going to help.

Next up comes flexibility.  Some of you may not know this, but my middle name is "Gumby," which I earned from my stiff-as-a-wet-noodle qualities.  Groin flexibility is very important, as you need to protect those hip flexors.  I recommend sleeping in the maximum groinage-position, and occasionally lying on the floor with frog legs.  A wide range of hip/leg motion is a must.
Then there's motivation.  Something's got to make you want to get up and train on those early mornings.  Being a scent hound, I use bunny trails and squirrel zones to keep me going.  I sniff those buggers out and send those tree lobsters skyward with my monstrousness and lightening speeds.  Smelling their fear also motivates me to get better, faster, and stronger.
You must think positive thoughts.  Dream positive thoughts.  If you're too hard on yourself you'll wind up either injured or just down in the dumps.  Always make sure to remain optimistic and go to bed with a smile on your face (and perhaps a mohawk for bada$$ness).
A great big smile.
Plan out your feasts for the day.  Convince your humans that athletes need to eat mass quantities of meat and cheese to feed their growing muscles.  Snacks are always in order, as days with hard runs make you hungry long before the dinner feasting hour.  I recommend a good fatty marrow bone or a bully stick for your chewing pleasure.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you have to picture yourself winning the gold.  Envision your success and all the hard work that will take you there.  Just imagine how you'd feel with that cool gold medal around your neck and with millions of people around the world cheering your name and offering you cheese.  You may even get an endorsement that will earn you even more cheese money and set you up for life.  I would like a shoe line, please.  I will call it "Air-Groin."

I hope that answers your questions!  

In other news, my family and I will be away for this holiday weekend.  I heard something about a wedding that my folks must attend... no - not THEIR wedding.  That's a year from today!  Maybe this is a practice wedding?  What's a "wedding" anyway?

See you on Tuesday!

Stanislaw

Raw Food Diet, Day 212- Marathon Training

My dad is training me to be a 2012 Olympic marathoner. 

Watching the 2008 Olympic Marathon.  Taking notes.

Stanislaw, representing the red, white and blue!  We've started training now, since I figure that 4 years in human time is really only about 7 months in my time so the year 2012 should be sneaking up rather quickly.  So far we've been out twice - once last Thursday and again this morning.  We're slated to up the routine to two times per week but due to my peach pit incident I wasn't allowed to attend the last training session.  I'm so behind!!  Every second counts!

Awesome dad and I, (and stinky slow-poke mom and Big Pupi too), all rolled out of our crates first thing in the morning and hit the pavement.  We ran a hard and fast 2 miles past Squirrel Country and Vegetable Garden Rabbitville, until we got to our half-way point with a nice water fountain right there waiting for me.  Mom kept a collapsable water bowl in her belt pouch and Pupi and I took turns feasting on water and getting soaked with the coolness.  Pupi and I run like rabid animals and since we're not good at pacing ourselves we wound up a little too hot and had to walk for a bit on our way home.  Plus mom spent extra time getting us nice and dripping wet. 

While at the fountain a fellow morning fast-hunting human stopped for a sip and said that mom shouldn't soak Pupi and me all over since it will actually hold the heat in - she should just wet our paws and bellies.  Has anyone heard of this before?  We're new to the fountain-wetting circuit as we used to run alongside a river in our old home and us dogs would just go for a dip every mile.  We know that if we get super hot that running cool (not cold!) water in the groin area is a good way to bring body temperature down as there are some major, superficial arteries running through there.  Cooling down that blood will cool the entire body, but if you're dealing with heat stroke you need to be super careful... bringing body temperature down too quickly can send dogs into shock.

Heat stroke is a very dangerous thing as it can get out of control very easily.  Gums will begin to look a muddy red, panting will be extremely rapid, vomiting and diarrhea will often occur, and sometimes dogs will lose leg function and some even become blind.  If it's not treated by a vet immediately it can cause death, permanent blindness, paralysis, brain damage and all sorts of terrible things.  So make sure your humans know how to help you and check on the signs, especially if you're a short-schnozzled breed since that makes you more predisposed to the condition.  Our humans are always stopping to check on our gums to make sure our color is okay.  If you need your exercise in the summer months like we do, kick your humans out of bed early in the morning or late in the evening - once the ground has cooled a bit and the sun is no longer beating down.  In Texas it used to get so hot the moment the sun peeked over the horizon that the only time Pupi and I could run was before sunrise in the dark!  Our humans wore little lights on their hats to make it work.  If you're determined enough you can always find a way.

Anyway, I finished my 4 mile training run/squirrel hunt and I just know that I will blow past everyone at the Olympic trials.  I bet no one trains as much as I do or feasts as hard afterwards.  I run marathons before breakfast!  (Marathons are 4 miles, right?)  The best part of all of this is that when I got home this morning I feasted on a massive meal of ground whole chicken, immune and green blends, fish oil pills, yogurt and huge scoops of cottage cheese.  Then I got to thrash my wet stinky body on the sofa and will be passing out on the rug at any moment.

Later guys.  This athlete's got to get his beauty rest.

Go hard or go home,

Stanislaw

Raw Food Diet, Day 211- Snoodalicious!

This bison bone brunch is brought to you by the letter "B."

Raw Food Diet, Day 210- Unfeastables

I did something stupid the other day.  I know, I know... you're thinking, "Stanley, YOU did something stupid?  No way!"  But really, I did guys.  I made a major mistake.  

There is a little grassy area right near my building where all the humans like to walk their dogs.  There are also a series of dumpsters right along there where all the nearby restaurants like to toss their trash.  And you know how I feel about trash!  Well, between the critters that dig through there and the sloppy dump trucks that do only 1/2 their job, a lot of garbage winds up in my weeble area.  Usually we find chicken bones from the lunch place around the corner.  Cooked bones are never a good thing.  But one day this week I found something a little different on the menu:

And I ate it.  My humans had no idea that I had feasted on pit and aren't sure how long that peach pit was sitting in my stomach, but I started to act a little funny Monday afternoon.  I didn't spend my morning harassing Big Pupi and I just wasn't that into sock tug that night.  My folks took it easy on me since I wasn't my usual self.  My tummy hurt!!

It was very early on Tuesday morning that I started to puke all over my crate.  Sorry mom!  I couldn't stop spewing yellow foam and mom knew that foam is a sign that there's a blockage in your gut.  She started to worry.  But before her very eyes I hurled up a nice large peach pit.  It was whole and clean and there was no blood.  Man... that was NOT fun bringing back up!  I quickly returned back to my old rascally self, obsessed with the feast and Poobler Extraordinaire.  I know I'm one lucky boy though.  If that pit hadn't made its reentry into the world I would have been Slice-n-Dice Stanislaw at the doctor's office.
The moral of this story:  Peach pits are NOT good feasting.  One way or the other they have to find their way back out of you, and under no circumstances is that going to be fun.  So stay away from the pits, man.  Stay far far away.

Learning feasting lessons,

Stanislaw

P.S. - Yes, that is an old, old picture of me.  It must have been only 2-3 weeks after I was adopted.  I look like a different dog!  And my right eye wasn't fully recovered from surgery just yet.  I look like such a puppy!

Raw Food Diet, Day 209- Cruelty to Animals

So.  While my dad was feasting his eyes on Torts, my stinky mom was planning something horrible and terribly cruel.  Turns out that after all these months and years of claiming that she's not into non-functional dog clothes for Pupi and me, she bought NON-FUNCTIONAL DOG CLOTHES!  Sure, we have coats and fleeces but we're only forced to wear them when it's in the negatives here in Chicago.  We wear our winter gear for oh... say... 7 months of the year.  But this.  No.  Not THIS.  Somebody help me.

We got an order from Petedge, which is usually full of awsomeness and squeaky fuzzy things.  But this time when that darn box opened a new grooming bag appeared, along with a fresh bottle of shampoo and COSTUMES.  Apparently with the cool weather comes something called Halloween, and while we've never dressed up before, mom saw these costumes for only $7 of cheese money-a-piece and just couldn't resist.  I could resist.  Pupi could resist.  I wonder what these crazy humans are thinking.  They laughed their silly fur-less heads off at us when we were dressed up.  I'm so furious right now I could weeble.

Sure, I got a new raccoon tug toy and Pupi got a giggle hydrant stuffy, but that DOES NOT make up for the fact that we'll be paraded around like a pair of dorky dogs.  At least Pupi looks a little like a thug in his costume.  As for me... well, I'm preparing to get my furry bum kicked by the other mutts at at the bark park.  

Keep those stuffies coming mom.  You need to make up for this.

Stanislaw

Raw Food Diet, Day 207- Torts Sounds Tasty

My dad goes to something called Work.  It requires him to leave me fatherless and feastless throughout the day.  And now, to add insult to injury, he's been missing during the nights as well!  I heard something about Law School and while I have no clue what that is I am sure that I do not approve of it.  I'm wondering if Law School teaches him how to cook delicious feasts, because one of his classes is called "Torts."  Dad and I both agree that it could be a potentially tasty way to learn.  I wonder if he gets bits of string cheese and jerky treats if he be Haves in these classes?  Does dad not know how to heel?  I remember that was the hardest part of the classes I went to.  I hope his instructor is nice and that dad Sits Like Good Boy when he's supposed to and doesn't bark too much.  I also hope that he is able to concentrate because being in class with so many other puppies can make you a little overexcited.  I know about that all-too well.  I hope he brings extra pooble bags with him.
In the mean time, I'll be spending the weekend helping dad with something called Homework.  Humans apparently hate that thing, but I've come to realize that it's really just sitting on your human's lap and looking for birds out the window.  I didn't mind it at all.  I found it to be quite relaxing and cathartic.  After all, I had a hard week of running and being social at the bark park.  I deserve a little break.

Getting smart with pa,

Stanislaw

Raw Food Diet, Day 206- Defense Mechanisms

As I wrote in yesterday's post, my humans had the thermostat replaced in our home to one that works automatically.  Well, a strange male human came into my home and my parents kept Big Pupi and me gated in the office to prevent us from showing off our manliness and taking his tools.  It wasn't more than 2 seconds after this man first arrived that Pupi leapt over the gate and grabbed his stuffed chipmunk, pranced about and tried to finagle belly rubs from this guy.  I high-pitch barked my head off until I too was released from quarantine.  I didn't get a stuffed toy because I was planning to grab a wrench or something.  Dad stopped that from happening.  Ugh.  Dad can be no fun sometimes.

By yesterday afternoon, when Pupi and I were snoozeling after a big morning romp and mom was at work on her computer, I began to feel the need to expose the ol' groin again.  Man, was it getting steamy in here or is it just me?  Something in the apartment kept popping really loudly and mom kept heading out to the main room to flip some big black thing.  Then all the lights and everything would work again.  Then another POP!  Then another switch.  Then mom left the apartment and returned with that strange man.

Big Pupi and I were tossed behind a gate in the office once again.  What?!  We could hear the man's phone beep and the sounds of his tasty tools digging into my wall.  Pupi growled, snarled, barked and bounced around acting like a mini monster behind bars.  Mom decided to call his bluff and released him.  Pupi went skidding into the main room and rushed straight towards the man!  He snagged another stuffed toy along the way and did another little prance at the man's feet before hopping onto the sofa to observe the action.  Hmph.  He's so not a guard dog!

I, on the other paw, am a guard dog.  A true-blue beast in black.  I showed my mom my silent but deadly skills by hanging out with her in the office (a small and not particularly well-ventilated room), and releasing my patented Blue Cloud Defense.  I'll show that man and anyone else that enters my property without my permission!  I'LL GET GASSY!

One would think this was a little bit of breakfeast that wasn't agreeing with me, but NO.  That man wasn't agreeing with me and so I let one rip each and every time he entered the apartment.  Need to get a wire?  You better watch yourself when you return!  My ferocious defenses were too much for mom to handle and she had to evacuate the office in a rush.  I am the beastliest!  But because this man was fixing the walled air monster there was no fresh air circulating in the apartment and the stagnant 86 degrees outside made opening the windows a bad choice.  My plan was working!  I'll have this guy out of here in no time!  I kept whipping up batches of air biscuits and sending them out into the wild.  Take that, you tall human!  Hot air rises!

I didn't need to bark or act excitable like Big Pupi to get the job done.  I sat quietly, pretending to admire the stranger's handiwork and did what I had to do.  He worked quickly, effectively, efficiently.  And why?  Oh you know why.  

I'm just taking care of business.

Stanislaw

***IMPORTANT***

A Four Paws, Inc. product called the "pimple ball with bell" has caused serious injuries to dogs.  Do to a defect that allows the dog to create a vacuum in the ball's cavity, numerous pups have had their tongues caught which causes extreme pain and cuts off blood flow.  As a result, dogs have had tongues amputated and there have even been reports about our fellow canines having to be put down due to the severity of their injuries, which eventually render them unable to eat or drink.  

Chai was devastatingly injured by one of these toys in June.  To read Chai's story and see an image of the toy click here.  If you have one of these balls make your human get rid of it immediately.  And spread the word - this item is carried by major pet stores and is readily available online.  There is yet to be a recall!

Raw Food Diet, Day 205- A/C for Me

A pretty cool thing happened the other day while I was at home snoozeling with my legs askew~

A pretty cool guy came into my apartment and started to take apart the air conditioning/heating unit that lives inside my wall.  He said that there was lots of dog hair in there (whaaaa?) and he needed to clean it out with a spooky loud sucky thing.  Then he detached the old controller and installed a new one.  That means that my humans can set the air monster in my wall to automatically keep the apartment at a certain temperature.  They didn't have this before and sometimes I was forced to make my own groin-conditioning.  This new thermostat thing would be sweet.
It got pretty hot while the apartment was being updated, and I did my best "near death" drama routine and I panted and continually flung my hot body onto newer and colder spots of our wood floor.  That's when I realized my desperate act had worked...

A pretty cool breeze made it way over my steamy hot belly and it felt just too good!  The fan of my wall monster kicked into high gear and my home was filled with a refreshing iciness.  My groin was exposed to refreshing iciness!

That was super cool!  Maybe even too cool.  I moved onto the carpet and snuggled up against my (Pupi's) stuffed ducky and wedged my body into a corner.  My normally exposed groin was tucked away where it belongs so I could keep it all warm under my fluffy leg fur.  Woah.  Did someone make that wall monster angry for him to keep this place so cold?  What's going on here?

Be careful what you wish for,

Stanislaw

PS- My humans reprimanded their air monster and had someone come in to make sure he would behave from now on.  He's one naughty boy.  It's groin-city here once again!

Raw Food Diet, Day 204- Poetry in Motion

Ode to a Bully Stick

by Stanislaw and Big Pupi

Meat comes in red

Bugs in blacks and blues

When I crave tasty feasts

And big meaty chews

When breakfast's been served

And snacks have been too

My jaws need to work

And goat just won't do

When I'm being Have

'Good Boy' finally clicks

Let's head to the store

There's one thing I'll pick

Look in that bin there!

For two-ninety-nine

There's something for beasts

Made of mighty bovine

Faster!  Go home!

Let's make this trip quick!

Hand me my treat

A big bully stick!