Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Raw Food Diet, Day 149- It's Raining Cats Outside

By late yesterday afternoon, I had come to truly enjoy my masculine lake stench that had been brewing on my body since my trip to Beastville.  The sofa cover, my crate blankies, and the chair in the office had all taken on the gentlest breeze of the scent, and I was eyeing the human crate for my next stink-making move.  Mom came over to me and unbuckled my collar, which I originally thought was to expose more fur and aid me in my stinkifying of the household, but NO.  I had been terribly and cruelly duped into trusting that evil human.  She appeared with venison jerky and had me follow her into the bathroom.  I thought she was going to ask me to add my smell to her towels!  But NO!  

That brat bathed me.
And she bathed Big Pupi too.
Now I smell as fresh as a flower and I couldn't be more disgusted at myself.  And to add insult to injury, she took my fur AGAIN - only this time she took so much that I can no longer be considered a true beast.  My mud-catching leg fur had been reduced to such an extent that it leaves nothing to the imagination.  I am one skinny, lanky boy and now the world knows! 

I had originally heard that the reason for yet another fur robbery was because I've been getting too hot on walks, and this would keep me a little cooler.  I was looking forward to testing out this theory during my morning medium-speed hunt, but I woke to find it raining cats outside!  The weebles zone outside my door has transformed into luscious, spongy mud, fresh with the probable run-off from the port-a-potties that are STILL there from this weekend's city-wide Music Festival.  Mom, PLEEEEASE??  This cleanliness is sickening!  Big Pupi's paws are WHITE, and that is entirely unpleasant.  I know he prefers to keep them a soothing grey-brown color, and I find his sweetly-scented whiteness blinding.  We need to remedy this!

Since I'm trapped inside on this depressing day, and since I've been forced to miss out on my daily medium-speed hunt, I am a ball of electricity making my way through the apartment.  Mom sometimes wishes that I could be used as a power source -- perhaps invest in a hamster wheel of sorts and have me run to my heart's content.  Well, mom, my heart is not happy unless there is dirt and stink and possibly a dead bird or two to roll in and play with, and I will continue to take this pent-up fury out on you and on our apartment.

My plans for this morning are this:
1. poke mom in the arm with my nose while she attempts to work
2. bark at Squirrel until she picks him up
3. tug, thrash, growl until I get Squirrel and I win!
4. run into the living room with Squirrel, notice that no one is following me, return to the office
5. repeat

Kinetically yours,


Petra said...

My sympathies to you, Stani, for having to have a bath. Do you run around in celebration when it's over?

Your tail is moving in time to the music on the video. You rock, guy!

Beckett said...

That's too bad about the bath, Stanislaw.

Next time you get stinky, I have developed a method for getting my scent all over the human crate in as short a period of time as possible. The instructional video is up on my blog. Note that the winsome Sit Like Good Boy at the end is KEY to the success of this method - Mom just can't stay mad.


Fenway said...

Great blockbuster vid, Stan. Your maw is exceptional as you grip Squirrel and I liked the way your eyes kind of rolled back in your head while you dragged him away.

We need some kind of Ten Step Group. EVERY time they do a Surprise Bath, we fall for the same old treat trick.

Will we ever learn wariness?

Maggie & Mitch said...

We know you'd rather be stinky, Stan, but you sure are one handsome dude!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Niamh said...

I am so sorry that you had to have a bath and grooming. It is cruelty to animals. I don't know why people have this obsession with making us clean and tidy. Hope you have an opportunity to get nice and stinky soon.

Your friend,

Charlie Daniels said...

Quick Stan! Find the nearest patch of dirt and roll, roll, roll ....



Mack said...

Hi my Stani!

I really like the wet look on you!

Mom says I am in dire need of a bath. I am so scared.

You really gave Mr. Squirrelly a good thrashing!

Paris Rain