I want a napkin on my crate, just like the one my humans have on theirs. It's a nice little ruffly part of their bed that extends to the floor and has just so many wonderful uses - none of which my humans use it for. In fact, they don't use it at all! I don't understand how people can be so wasteful of the things that they have.
First of all, it makes an excellent hiding place. Sure, I can only fit my head and shoulders under there, but I'm almost positive that no one can see me as long as I can't see them. So all you really need is to squeeze your nose and eyes under.
Secondly, that place is jam-packed with lost treasures, like socks that have gone solo and the most amazing dust bunnies I've ever hunted. Humans should really spend some quality time crawling around under their crate and explore the exciting world of UnderTheBedLand.
Finally, and perhaps my most favorite and frequent use for this ruffly thingy takes advantage of its wonderful absorbent qualities. It's a long, upright napkin and it's just my height for wiping my post-feast face on. I eat like a total beast, and more often then I'd like to admit I wind up with some feast leavings on my manly beard and body that my tongue, as dextrous as it may be, is just not able to reach. Far be it from me ever go out looking less than my handsome self, and so I must go that extra mile to keep myself as polished as possible. It just so happens that this extra mile is from the laps I make around the humans' crate, wiping myself nose-to-tail along this incredibly long napkin. Works like a charm.So now I'm left to wonder why those silly people don't do the same. I mean, it's their napkin, right? Perhaps they set it up at the wrong height? My dad could probably use his crate napkin about a mile higher than I'd need mine. It's an excellent way to prevent baths, and if my humans would only get a clue it could save them from their daily scrub downs. And when the people are having a bad day and they become Grumpalumpakises, why don't they just hide under there? I'd be willing to bet some cheese that in no time they'll be distracted from their woes by all that this magical UnderTheBedLand has to offer.
And yet, it goes untouched and unused by my people. How can this be?