Sunday, May 11, 2008

Raw Food Diet, Day 104- Filing a Formal Complaint

Dear Humans,

Things need to change around here.  

First of all, you need to stop stealing my hair.  Yesterday, I did not appreciate you taking that buzzy thing to my face and removing my manly beard and forehead fur that makes me appear larger and more beastly.  You call it "maintenance," but I think it's a fetish and you need to see a therapist.  I spoke to my pug buddy and he says he's never even seen a buzzy thing, which made me realize this is not normal practice.  I enjoy sprouting thick patches of fur in the most random of locations like a spaniel chia pet, and I don't know what this fascination is that you have with removing it.  It needs to stop.  

Secondly, I would like to relocate.  This 850 square-foot apartment thing is just not going to cut it any longer.  I realize that you make extra efforts to get my brother and me out and exercised every day, but I think it's time that we upgraded our living situation.  I have given this special consideration and have drawn up the following blueprint which I hope you follow to the smallest detail in the construction of our next home.  I also require the weather in this new place to always be running-appropriate and humid enough to encourage the healthy growth of my frogs in my frog pond.  

Finally, I would like feasting to commence at 7:30 each morning on the dot, and continue every hour thereafter until it's time for sleepies.  I would also like treats to happen on the half-hour when we are not feasting, to tide us over until the next meal.  I am a growing boy and need to obtain adequate nourishment to grow this fur back that you have so callously stolen from my face.  

Please have your people contact my people if there are issues with any of the above.

Big Pupi and me after our facial hair robbery.


Mack said...

Paris Rain here!!!!
oh my gosh - you guys are SOOOO handsome with your new do's(especially you my sweetie Stanislawski!)

Are you building blueprints for our little love nest sweetums? Cause I think it is perfect!!!


Hero said...

Stan!! That's so lame that your hoomans stole all your hair!! You and Big Pupi deserve to keep your natural crazy hair. Sometimes my mom has my feathers trimmed to keep them "tidy" and my ears shaved to prevent infections. She never touches my mohawk though and she better not! It's part of my hardcore identity!

your pal,

Louis Reginald said...


Thank you for making a stand for canine-kind!

If my mom robs me or my sister of our beastly manes one more time, my dad has promised to kick her out. My poor sister is at the mercy of another bad hairdo. I have to look at this monstrosity!

I do have a question, how did you make that blueprint for your new home? After seeing yours, I attempted my own and my paws were unable to adequately maneuver the markers. You will have to let me know when you are moving in, maybe I'll come visit. Florida is getting a little to warm for my Spaniel blood.

Your fan,


Ellen & Beckett said...

You tell 'em, Stanislaw! My mom says we are relocating soon and that I will have a back yard, but I happen to know that right now there is a boat in that back yard and she did not ask for it as part of the house purchase. Can you believe that?! So now I am lobbying for her to get me a boat as well as a pond in the back yard for my daily swims.

Niamh said...

Those buzzy clipper things are just awful, I know this from sad experience. Why do people think that they have to constantly groom us and change the way we look? We dogs are just perfect the way we are.

Your friend,

FleasGang said...

Exactly what do your humans do with all of this hair that they steal? That's just creepy.

The FleasGang

Love the cheese fountain and squirrel farm by the way. Those are great ideas. But don't you think you might get attached to the goats at the corral/petting zoo?