Things need to change around here.
First of all, you need to stop stealing my hair. Yesterday, I did not appreciate you taking that buzzy thing to my face and removing my manly beard and forehead fur that makes me appear larger and more beastly. You call it "maintenance," but I think it's a fetish and you need to see a therapist. I spoke to my pug buddy and he says he's never even seen a buzzy thing, which made me realize this is not normal practice. I enjoy sprouting thick patches of fur in the most random of locations like a spaniel chia pet, and I don't know what this fascination is that you have with removing it. It needs to stop.
Secondly, I would like to relocate. This 850 square-foot apartment thing is just not going to cut it any longer. I realize that you make extra efforts to get my brother and me out and exercised every day, but I think it's time that we upgraded our living situation. I have given this special consideration and have drawn up the following blueprint which I hope you follow to the smallest detail in the construction of our next home. I also require the weather in this new place to always be running-appropriate and humid enough to encourage the healthy growth of my frogs in my frog pond.
Finally, I would like feasting to commence at 7:30 each morning on the dot, and continue every hour thereafter until it's time for sleepies. I would also like treats to happen on the half-hour when we are not feasting, to tide us over until the next meal. I am a growing boy and need to obtain adequate nourishment to grow this fur back that you have so callously stolen from my face.
Please have your people contact my people if there are issues with any of the above.
Big Pupi and me after our facial hair robbery.