Monday, August 4, 2008

Raw Food Diet, Day 188- Ready, Aim...

Okay.  I'm going to be honest here.  I've got a little problem.
You see, I'm a manly beast of a dog, and as such I need to mark my territory on a regular basis.  The state of Illinois is a lot of territory to cover, and so it would be best if I were efficient in my efforts.  Big Pupi's got the marking skillz.  He can hit a pole 3 feet up if he so desires.  A blade of grass?  No problem.  A pebble that he finds particularly worthwhile?  Done.  Another dog's head?  Consider it the Property of Big Pupi.  As for me?  Well, it's another story.

My aim is less than adequate.  I get lucky sometimes, but more often than not I dramatically miss the fence I'd like claim is my own.  I can't hit a barn wall unless the wind blew in my favor.  Sure, I don't really concentrate enough to ensure accuracy.  Usually I weeble on the move, which requires a 4-paws to the ground posture so that I may continue to hunt birds and bits of bread left in the grass from helpful folks trying to fatten up my pigeons.  I don't get a whole lot of aiming practice, and when I do I try to walk while hoisting one knee to the heavens.  This, as I have recently learned, has dire consequences.  

I weebled on myself.  

I did.  I hit my front legs.  Both of them, above the knees.  My chest fell victim as well.  My dexterity did not impress my humans and they carried me into the apartment and plopped me straight into the tub.  There was no treat and no dignity.  I was soaped, scrubbed, rinsed and it was repeated many more times than I'm sure the shampoo bottle required.  I was scoured until I squeaked and all my manly smells swirled helplessly down the drain.  

Big Pupi, who had been locked inside the bathroom with me, was pulled from his hiding place and thrown into the place of cleanliness and girly smells.  He too was washed until his whites were white again.  Did I weeble on him too?  Sorry man.  Next up was a game with the hair dryer (we totally love the hair dyer) and a break from grooming while the Comcast man came into my territory to replace the human's cable box (for the third time).  I tried to harass him with my most ferocious barks, but how was he to know there was a beast in there without my doggy smells?!  Once he left we were attacked yet again by that dang buzzy thing and it stole, (yet again) my manly beard.  

Big Pupi opted for a new look this time around.  
Mom shaved a baby mohawk into his head.  It was partly inspired by Hero, who has the fiercest 'hawk of them all.  It's also a Rally Mohawk, which he hopes will inspire the Red Sox to pick up the pieces and fight their way to the playoffs.  They better clinch a playoff berth, or else Pupi gets another visit from the buzzy thing.
He thinks it's pretty sweet, but it needs to grow out some. 

As for me, I got my normal 'do, shaved belly and all.  It's been pretty hot out so I'm glad to be a bit more naked.  But now I've got to start working on getting back those manly smells again.  Another trip to the bark park should take care of that.
What I've really got to focus on is my territory marking skills.  If they had a class I would take it, but I probably wouldn't pay attention for more than 2 seconds.  I can't even make it through a weeble without getting distracted!  Oh the plight of an ADD cocker spaniel!  Poor me.  I'm going to go drown my sorrows in some string cheese.

Attending target practice,
Stanislaw

11 comments:

Ella Bean said...

Oh Stani!

I still think you are the manliest, beastliest dog that ever was. I'll tell you a secret. My big bro Louis doesn't even lift his leg, like, ever!

He had his manly bits stolen from him when he was a mere 10 weeks old (so, luckily for him he doesn't remember, unlike myself who remembers all to clearly the maiming to which I was subject). Anyway, mom and dad think he just never got grown up mormones or whatever they are called. So he squats like a girl. Hee hee!

Sorry about the bath - those really are the worst!

Kisses & love!
Ella Bean

Ellen (or Beckett) said...

I go to camp for one week and I come home to a completely different Red Sox team. What is happening here?

I think Pupi's mohawk and my fancy new bandanna will serve as good luck charms, though.

-Beckett

Fenway said...

Pupi--

I call the marking Dmail (doggie version of Email). Essentially, your style doesn't matter. It's the message that's important. So weeble away. Seems to me that you are marking yourself—no dog would dare invade your space and hump you. Get your humans to understand this and go easy on the "product" and bathing routines.

You asked me about herding the other day. I am hotwired and destined for it. In fact, when I see a fellow canine, I pretend it's a woolly sheepie and creep up on it, just like Fly did in Babe. Ms. Alpha took my pedecessor Logo to sheepherding clinics and he was a righteous gatherer. I need to wait till I'm nearly 2 YO, though, so I don't do berserkers on the Woolly Ones and learn bad habits. I will probably start on ducks & geese just to get the basic idea down that I'm to gather and herd, not nip, bite and terrorize. Our feathered friends are less likely to give me a swift kick if I get rambunctious.

Mom has one of those whistle things. Depending on the pitch—going up, going down, quick blasts, long steady blast, etc.—a border collie knows what the shepherd wants (go left, right, steady forward, lie down, etc.) It sounds just like human language to us and I guess that makes us bilingual.

I am truly blown away that you have such talented BC's to play with right smack dab in the middle of the city! Does you friend maintain an orderly bark park?

Asta said...

Stanislaw
Hehehehe..I think you shouldn't feel bad..youw attentions is wequiwed fow much mowe impowtant things..and it's not like you piddle on youwself all the time..I'm sowwy about the unmaly baf you had to endoowe..youw cuts look vewy cool..two handsome guys!!!!I hope the mohawk wowks fow you team big Puppy, cause we weally love it
good luck at the pawk Stan
love and smoochie kisses
ASTA

Niamh said...

Sorry about the bath Stanislaw. I usually end up smelling like oatmeal after my baths. I want to smell like a dog, not breakfast! People are so strange about good smells. Fortunately, as a girl dog, I have never peed on my front legs or my person would be scouring my feathers with who knows what.

Love Big Pupi's Rally Mohawk.

Your friend,
Niamh

Jackson said...

Hey pal, never fear I'm ALWAYS peemailing my own front feet. I think I have a special talent for it! Jx

PS Thank you for the helpful link you sent today. Just off to check it out.

Petra said...

Drowning your sorrows in some string cheese sounds like a great thing to do, Stanislaw!

Big Pupi's mohawk is really cool. Our cocker Sadie used to like her belly shaved, too, Stani.

I hope you figure out how to solve your problems!

Maggie and Mitch said...

I've peed on the backside of my front legs more times than I can tell ya, Stan! Mom uses baby wipes on me! I feel fortunate not to get thrown into the tub! I'm embarrased enough as it is!
Love the mohawk, Big Pupi!

Yer friend,
Mitch

tadpole said...

I feel your pain, my manly, beastly friend. It took me a LONG time to learn how to make Big Boy pee-pee... it takes coordination to stand on three legs and pee at the same time! Don't tell anyone, but I make pee-pee on my legs all the time. *sigh* But your mom sounds worse than my girl - I usually only get my legs washed, not MY WHOLE BODY - plus a SHAVE!!!

Scottie the 'cutie' said...

I do weebles on myself too sometimes...sorry to hear you had to bathe so many times. Still, once you got bathed and all, don't your parents give you more hugs and cuddles? I love that...*grins* Big Pupi's new 'do sure looked cool! He looks spiffy with a mohawk!

Scottie

Amber-Mae said...

Oh Stan, practice makes it pawfect! You gotta keep trying & don't give up. You will hit the spot soon I'm very sure...Can't believe you got all your warm fragrant pee all over yourself. Yuck!

Butt wiggles,
Solid Gold Dancer