Lots of dogs have been asking me about my Olympic marathon training program. While the program itself is too detailed to list here (let's face it - my attention span is about 2 seconds long), I will hit upon the most integral parts of becoming a famous athlete.
Beauty rest is of utmost importance. There will be puparazzi, so you must look your best. C'mon now... do you think that Feasting Champion of the World Michael Phelps got so famous on his butterfly stroke alone? Being a ridiculously good-looking beast is only going to help.Next up comes flexibility. Some of you may not know this, but my middle name is "Gumby," which I earned from my stiff-as-a-wet-noodle qualities. Groin flexibility is very important, as you need to protect those hip flexors. I recommend sleeping in the maximum groinage-position, and occasionally lying on the floor with frog legs. A wide range of hip/leg motion is a must.
Then there's motivation. Something's got to make you want to get up and train on those early mornings. Being a scent hound, I use bunny trails and squirrel zones to keep me going. I sniff those buggers out and send those tree lobsters skyward with my monstrousness and lightening speeds. Smelling their fear also motivates me to get better, faster, and stronger.
You must think positive thoughts. Dream positive thoughts. If you're too hard on yourself you'll wind up either injured or just down in the dumps. Always make sure to remain optimistic and go to bed with a smile on your face (and perhaps a mohawk for bada$$ness).
A great big smile.
Plan out your feasts for the day. Convince your humans that athletes need to eat mass quantities of meat and cheese to feed their growing muscles. Snacks are always in order, as days with hard runs make you hungry long before the dinner feasting hour. I recommend a good fatty marrow bone or a bully stick for your chewing pleasure.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you have to picture yourself winning the gold. Envision your success and all the hard work that will take you there. Just imagine how you'd feel with that cool gold medal around your neck and with millions of people around the world cheering your name and offering you cheese. You may even get an endorsement that will earn you even more cheese money and set you up for life. I would like a shoe line, please. I will call it "Air-Groin."
In other news, my family and I will be away for this holiday weekend. I heard something about a wedding that my folks must attend... no - not THEIR wedding. That's a year from today! Maybe this is a practice wedding? What's a "wedding" anyway?
See you on Tuesday!